


I Do Believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I Do, I Do, I Do

by DragonsPhoenix



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Jossverse
Genre: Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:38:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2306654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonsPhoenix/pseuds/DragonsPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What drove the vampire off? A big pile of spaghetti and meatballs with eyes coming out of the top.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Do Believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I Do, I Do, I Do

**Author's Note:**

> Not betaed or edited. Apparently if I write a story referencing the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I can't help but share it with the world.

“Willow, my very favorite person.” As Xander sat down next to her on the edge of the fountain, Willow's smile quickly turned to a glare.

“What do you want?”

“What?” Xander put his hands to his heart as if shocked. “I can't join in as you bask in the sunshine?”

“When you call me your favorite girl, you want something.”

“I think you'll find I said person, not girl and, um, that's so not the point. Um, social studies, homework last night?”

“Yes, there was homework,” Willow said. 

“Could you fill me in?”

“Xander.”

“Oh, hey, Buffy,” Xander called out. 

Buffy didn't even glance over. As Xander jumped up to chase her, Willow called out, “Class is the other way.”

“If Buffy's moving that quickly, class can wait.”

Willow chased after both of them. She and Xander caught up in the library. “Are you trying to tell me,” Giles was saying, “that something on this boy's t-shirt drove off a vampire?”

“Yes!”

“Was it a cross?” Xander asked. “Because I'm so willing to get a t-shirt with a big cross if that'll do it.”

Buffy turned with a huff. “No, if it'd been a cross it would have made sense. This was weird.”

“Weird how?” Willow asked.

“Did you think to interrogate the vampire?” Giles asked. 

“Interrogate?” Buffy asked with what sounded like a wince.

Giles pulled off his glasses and attacked them with his handkerchief. “Did you ask the vampire what it didn't like about the shirt?”

“Was it an ugly color or something?” Xander asked. “Maybe really loud? Oooh, since vampires have super-senses, do loud clothes bother them?”

“Um, it kinda got dusted before I could ask it anything?”

Giles sighed. “Can you at least describe the image?”

“A big pile of spaghetti and meatballs with eyes coming out of the top.”

“Buffy, if this is some sort of elaborate hoax …” Giles said.

“Oh, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

All eyes turned on Xander. “The what?” Giles asked.

“You know, it's a religion. Like Bob Dobbs but this has spaghetti that created the universe.”

“Is that a joke?”

“I suppose the verdict's still out on that one.”

“Oh.” Willow ran over to the computer and brought up the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website. “Did it look like this?”

“Um, yeah,” Buffy said as everyone gathered around. “What gives?”

“Good Lord, is that … Um, could you, er, reveal more of the text?”

“I think the words you're looking for are scroll down.”

“Yes, thank you, Xander.” 

Willow scrolled the text down.

“Ah, a number of points of similarity with Discordianism,” Giles muttered more to himself than the others. 

“Discordia what?” Buffy asked.

“Discord … never mind. The pertinent fact is that this is a religious image, one that gains power from devout followers.”

“And that helps, how?”

“There are a few methods by which images gain the power to drive off vampires. Religious symbols gain powers from believers.”

“Which explains vampires getting burnt by crosses,” Buffy said. 

“Wait,” Willow said. “Does that mean a Star of David could drive off a vampire?”

“Yes,” Giles replied. “Or a Hand of Fatima or the Wheel of Dharma or the Om symbol written out. There are, of course, many others. In fact, the Ichthus has made a comeback now that Christians have embraced it again.”

“The icky what?”

“So the Flying Spaghetti Monster could have driven off the vampires because enough people believe?” Xander asked.

“It's possible,” Giles replied. “Demons can also be driven off by images of another demon but only if that demon has almost godlike powers. You don't want to draw the negative attention of anything that powerful by messing with its worshipers in effect. Alternately pungent scents can drive demons off.”

“And that's how garlic works?” Willow asked.

“Yes, as well as Vegemite.”

“Oh,” Xander exclaimed. “So if the Flying Spaghetti Monster were served up with a boatload of garlic, maybe that's how it drove off the vampire.”

“Yes Xander,” Giles said dryly. “I'm certain that's it.”

“Is there any way we can tell?” Willow asked.

“Given that I'm unaware of any demons that look like a – how did you put it Buffy? - a big pile of spaghetti, other than Cthulhu of course and he looks less like spaghetti and more … well let's not go there, I believe we can take if on faith that this flying spaghetti creature's image has gained enough power to be effective against vampires.”

“That's it,” Xander declared. “As of this minute I am an official worshiper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

“You could remain Christian,” Buffy said. “Cross works too.”

The bell rang. “Shouldn't you all be in class?” Giles asked.

“Right.” The Scoobies started moving toward the door.

“But the Flying Spaghetti Monster is so much cooler. I mean, I get to be a pirate now. Maybe I can even wear an eye-patch.”

Giles sat down in the chair Willow had evacuated as the library doors swung shut, leaving him alone. He looked at the screen. “Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Hmmm, if faith actually is this powerful, perhaps the earth isn't doomed.”


End file.
